When Being Understood Becomes More Important Than Understanding

We all want our partner to understand us, particularly when we're hurt. But there can be a point where being understood becomes so important that we stop being able to hear the other person.

Not Listening

The conversation that goes nowhere:

One says, “That's not what happened.”
The other says, “But that's how it felt.”
Then each explains their version again.

Neither is necessarily lying or deliberately refusing to listen. They're experiencing the situation differently.

Why it becomes exhausting:
The conversation becomes about establishing whose version is correct rather than understanding what the experience was like for each person.

Understanding isn't the same as agreeing:
This is the important distinction. You can understand why something hurt your partner without agreeing that you intended to hurt them. You can understand their perspective without giving up your own.

A different way of approaching the conversation:
Instead of “How do I make them understand me?” perhaps:
“Can I understand what this was like for them?”

Sometimes couples don't need to agree on every detail of what happened. They need to feel that their experience matters to the other person.

If your relationship feels stuck, learn more about couple counselling