What If Your Partner Isn’t the Only Problem and Neither Are You?
When a relationship is struggling, it can be very easy to focus on what your partner needs to change.
If they would just listen…
Not Sure?
If they weren't so defensive…
If they showed me they cared…
If they would stop bringing up the past…
Sometimes, there is truth in those frustrations.
You may genuinely feel that your partner isn't hearing you, understanding you, or responding to you in the way you need.
But what if the problem isn't simply one person or the other?
When you become caught in the same pattern
Sometimes couples become caught in a pattern that neither person really wants. One person feels unheard, so they push harder to be heard. The other feels criticized or overwhelmed, so they pull away. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats and the further they retreat, the more rejected or alone the other person feels.
Before long, you're no longer simply talking about the issue that started the argument. You're reacting to each other. You may find yourselves having the same arguments about different things. Or perhaps you've stopped arguing altogether, but the distance between you has grown.
Neither of you may be happy with how things have become.
It doesn't mean either of you is "the problem"
When you're hurting, it's natural to look for a reason and often, that reason seems to be sitting across the room. You may believe your partner needs to communicate differently. They may believe you need to stop criticizing. You may both have a long list of things the other person could do differently.
The difficulty is that focusing entirely on who is at fault can keep you stuck, because sometimes both people are hurting. Both may have understandable reasons for reacting as they do and both may be contributing, often unintentionally, to a pattern that has become difficult to break.
That doesn't mean everything that has happened in a relationship is equally the responsibility of both people. There can be genuine hurt, betrayal, broken trust or behaviours that need to be acknowledged and addressed.
Even when there are real problems to work through, it can be helpful to look beyond who is to blame and ask:
“What is happening between us?”
"How did we get here, and what is happening between us?"
If you and your partner are finding it difficult to move beyond the same patterns, couples counselling can provide a supportive space to slow things down, understand what is happening and explore a way forward.
You don't need to have everything worked out before you come.